If
by Ethre
Summary: "Someday, we'll see that land of ice, flaming water and field of sands you want to see so much. If it's not in this lifetime, maybe we'll see it together in the next lifetime."


A/N : I'm sorry if this fic appeared to be OOC. But this is just one of the 'what if' fic that keeps circulating in my mind. Though the ending is not what i desire it to be in snk, but i just can't help but to think it'd be romantic if something like that could happen to levi and eren in the ending haha. Anyway, i hope you don't mind coping with my selfish fantasy despite how groundless it may be and i hope you enjoy reading the story~ ^^. The first part of this fic is written in Eren's POV and after that is Levi's POV.

Bound by this cloth that covers my eyes...My world is a deep black. An abyss. It feels like i am drowning. As i reach my hands out in the darkness, my fingertips and palm only feels the cold shiver of lone air. There is nothing in this world for me but coldness.

I wonder how long will this prolong. I wonder how long am i going to stay like this, curled up in this darkness, not knowing when i will see the light.

My body feels weak and light, as if it is floating on the air without any life essence in it. I feel so empty inside. So empty. I wish i could feel something, anything, but strangely nothing occupies my mind nor my heart. I feel worthless, like every second that ticks is passing by wastefully. My existence itself feels worthless. I feel so alone. No one is here. I am all by myself.

Surely if i die now, no one would care, right? No one would remember...What is the meaning of my existence? If this is how it is, i guess it would be better to die and fade away from this world silently.

As thinking makes me even more tired, energy seeps out from my eyelids. They droop gradually, naturally and slowly, i let darkness numb my whole senses.

* * *

Today is the same. Ah. Ever since i begin to open my eyes to darkness, i have lost track of time. How long has it been? As i let the seconds idle away with this constant darkness as company, i can no longer identify if there is a sun anymore out there, or if day even exists at all.

Something gurgles out of my throat, a small, pained noise. Something inside my body hurts. It feels like it is being stabbed over and over again and without understanding why, something wet and slippery starts to slide down my face, trickles, trickles and drips. It makes me uncomfortable and that thing inside me seems to hurt even more the more i let myself succumb to this wet feeling. My nose is clogged soon and i can barely breathe, my mouth is emitting strangled sounds, as if choking. I feel suffocated.

I continue to make that pain noises and my limbs move a bit despite being limited. It is more right to say that i am struggling as hard as i can to get away from this tightness that binds me, the circular roughness that sinks into the flesh of my wrist and ankle and just barely cutting the circulating blood supply underneath.

I open my mouth wider, trying to form words but nothing comes out. There's only the strange sound of a person who is speech-impaired, unable to speak, unable to form words. Listening to myself makes me feel more pathetic than i already am feeling. I feel miserable. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

Somehow amidst the hazardous thoughts that swirl in my mind, a warmth touches my forehead. For a moment, i lay still, stunned but when i realize this feeling is akin to someone other than my own, a real living being with warmth flowing in their body and radiating in the hand that rests on my forehead, i become exhilarated that i can barely contain myself. My limbs move even more vigorously with the strength that suddenly overflows in my body and i start to fight against the restraints that bind me. For once, i am glad to know that i am not alone.

"Calm down. You're alright." Accompanying the hand that is stroking my hair gently now, a voice chimes in as if to soothe me. "I will take off your blindfold now. Don't cry." Even though i cannot speak, i understand what this person is saying. As i wait, the darkness is slowly being lifted from my eyes, and gradually lights seep into my vision and i painfully squint at this new bright world in front of me.

"How are you feeling?" The man in front of me asks. His eyes are small, but they are a gentle steel grey. Despite its dullness, there is life inside the man's eyes. Full of life and emotion. At that moment, i feel very happy as i stare into these eyes with my own, realizing that i can connect to the life this man possesses just by looking at him. It does not feel that empty anymore all of a sudden.

This man is glowing in the brightness of the day and as i lie on my back thinking that, i cannot help but to awe myself at his beautiful features. Small-sized, small face, soft-looking hair, beautiful eyes, i want to touch him. I want to feel him under my hands.

"Aaa..." These are the only words that come out of my mouth despite my extreme want to communicate with him. But he seems to understand as he moves to unlock the shackles that have been binding me since forever.

"Promise me you will stay calm, Eren. Promise me that..." He says this as the chain clinks and falls onto the floor. It seems like he was hesitating to release me at first, but something must have taken over him then as he finally decides to set me free. I look at the chains that pool down onto the floor, then lift up my wrists, looking at the pale flesh and the red marks that have embedded themselves onto my skin. These are the marks of a bound one...realization collided into me in a strong, painful impact as my life before that world of darkness started flash in my mind.

He's going out of control...!

Evacuate...-before he kills...!

Eren! Eren...! Get a hold of yourself! You are not that weak!

...No- this is not working! We have no choice...

Levi...- I said now! This is an order!

Ah...

My head hurts...

But there is this fuzzy image I can remember. Even if i close my eyes, this image flashes behind my eyelids persistently. It is the face of this man. When i open my eyes again after a while, my head clears and i can finally see this man properly again. This was the same man in my flashback...who is covered in blood and having that desperate angry look on his face as he shouted at me. I remember the fear i felt at that time, of losing control...of losing the person who i was...But in that moment just before i slipped into the darkness, a hand has reached out to me and grabbed me.

"Uuu..." I clutch onto my head as it starts to throb again.

"Don't. Don't think." The voice is firm, but also laced with concern. Somehow, i find a sense of comfort hearing this voice, knowing from somewhere deep inside that this person here will never do any harm to me. Just following my heart like this, i can feel that i trust this man immensely.

"Rest, Eren. Don't get up yet. You're still recuperating." The man reasons, following that he tries to get me to lie back onto the bed again. I comply weakly, falling back onto the bed rather gratefully as it seems to help ease my headache a little.

The man stares at me for a while before he gets up. "I'll go get some water." But before he can walk away, my fingers catches onto the hem of his sleeve and tugs at it. He looks back and i look at him, blinking slowly, opening my mouth only to let out futile incoherencies yet again. I feel water welling up in my eyes again as i try to talk. Why is it so hard? I just want to tell him to not leave me.

He peels off my fingers and holds them as he sits back onto the chair beside me. "You're really a troublesome brat, aren't you...?" His other hand comes up to stroke my head gently. I close my eyes, liking the feeling and let him holds my hand as i drift back into a light slumber.

The darkness this time isn't as intimidating.

* * *

Levi has been staring at the boy's face for hours, watching as the latter breathes in and out slowly in his peaceful slumber. He should have done this from the start, a part of his mind reprimands. He knows he should've done this from the start. Eren is much calmer now that he's released, less struggling, less crying too...But orders from higher-ups has been a pain, and even if he wants to go against it, sometimes he has no choice but to obey.

He's aware that he's going to get into trouble if the higher-ups know that he has let Eren free from the chains, but right now, seeing Eren like this, he thinks he doesn't care anymore. Afterall, the action of binding Eren is only torturing the boy's already unstable mental state. What Eren needs now is mental comfort and the first step is to release these restraints that are confining him.

What goes on after that...? Levi looks down at his clenched fist. If the higher-ups hadn't been such closed-off, narrow-minded people, then they could actually see that what they are doing right now was wrong. Despite how many times he tried to tell them that Eren is their only hope, they didn't want to listen. So what? Losing control once doesn't mean that they should give up completely on Eren. Eren himself is still new with his titan-shifting abilities, it takes time to develop control. But the higher-ups has been ignorant of the fact with their small limited brain and was too afraid to take the risk to deal with something as dangerous as him and has ordered to confine him.

Levi has already assured them that he'll make sure to take matters into his hand if ever Eren meant harm, but that alone has proven not to be enough safety guarantee. The rampaging and destroying done within walls after Eren lost control seem to have make them traumatized of having to believe a monster like that, so they claimed.

After the incident, Levi had taken it his responsibility to keep Eren under his watch until he's awake. But even then, being only able to watch but not being able to help when Eren is crying in pain makes him feel guilty. He wishes he has more power to defy their orders. That way, he can take Eren away and protect him from harm. Afterall, these people did not feel any gratefulness even after knowing what Eren has done for their sake. Levi's eyes absently stray to the painful-looking bite marks covering both Eren's hands. The bite digs deep, and they colour a deep red, some healing back to normal, some in the process of turning into scars. Before Eren was exposed to all these, those hands must have been smooth, blemishless and scar-free. Now he will be carrying on those marks and scars forever and be reminded of the ugliness that signifies them.

* * *

That evening, Erwin comes to visit. Levi curses at him for his awfully wrong timing. But it's not as if he can ignore his superior especially if it's Erwin, so he lets him in. He at least trusts Erwin not to tell anybody.

"Levi, if it has been anyone else other than me that comes in through this door and see Eren like this, you'll be imprisoned by now."

"I know, and that's why i'm allowing you in." Levi sips at the coffee he prepared calmly, his eyes falling back to the figure who is still sleeping quietly on the bed, but now with the chains down.

"It's unfortunate that the plan has to be stopped. And he has been our only hope too...I guess it turns out that trying to use him for humanity's sake is no good."

Eren shifts a bit, creating a soft rustling noise from where the blanket wraps around his body. Levi remembers the way the boy's body shiver constantly at night. No matter how much blankets he pull upon the other's body, Eren would not stop shivering. And he would be constantly making noises, small painful cries as the nightmare haunts him.

"Erwin...I'm taking Eren away." Levi puts down the cup onto the table and gazes into the older man's eyes. There is silence, but from across him, Levi can see that Erwin is smiling. "Yeah, i have a feeling you'll say that. I guess that's the right thing to do. Keeping him here...sooner or later, the court will come to a ruling to put Eren on a death sentence." Levi doesn't need to ask who 'they' refers to.

"But i didn't know you're that kind of person either, Levi." There's something in that smile that makes Levi uneasy.

"What do you mean by that kind of person?" He dares Erwin to say it out loud. Erwin only laughs, that bastard.

"Well, i guess it's nice that you have found someone important to you. Take care of him well, Levi. You know how much that kid adores you." Erwin smiles, but this time with a sincere kindness. Levi finds himself unable to say anything in reply to that and just merely nods while looking away.

"I'm going now. I hope to see you again sometime." Erwin collects his coat and wears them. Levi accompanies him as he exits through the door. "Take care, Levi." Levi watches as Erwin starts to walk off.

"Erwin." He calls out one last time. Erwin looks back, wondering. "I'll visit someday."

"Yes, that'll be wonderful." Erwin smiles wide. Then, he turns back and proceeds down the path. The sun is setting and the path is shaded with a vivid orange. Wind blows past gently and Levi thinks this might be the last time he will get to look at this scenery from this house. Tonight, he'll set off with Eren and goes somewhere where no one will be able to track them down.

Ah. He can never imagine himself doing something like this before. Time has changed him. Or rather Eren has changed him, didn't he? Sighing, he closes the door and draws the curtain close. In an instant the room descends into darkness. Eren makes a small noise from underneath the blanket. Levi approaches from the side of the bed before getting into the bed with Eren. People may fear Eren for who he was, for how he has turned out to be, but Levi is different. He doesn't fear Eren. Because he knows this is the kid who loves other people more than himself to the point of being able to sacrifice his own life for them. This sort of person definitely is nothing to be feared of.

"Uuu..." After the incident, Eren seems to have lost his speaking abilities. Something must have gone wrong during that time. But Eren is still Eren. Levi views him the same even as he watches how Eren struggles to talk. "It's fine. Don't bother talking." Levi strokes Eren's head again as a mean of comfort because he can feel that the boy is growing upset for his helplessness. "It's okay. You don't need to say anything." He whispers softly as he pulls Eren closer to him. Under the blanket, their bodies are pressed warm against each other. Eren clutches at him tightly, burying his face in Levi's chest and sobs. Levi can feel Eren's regret and sadness from what has happened, but he doesn't want Eren to stay like this forever. Even if others hate him, he needs to know that Levi will not. That Levi is willing to stay by his side and care for him. Levi needs Eren to know that he's not alone.

"Someday, we'll see that land of ice, flaming water and field of sands you want to see so much. If it's not in this lifetime, maybe we'll see it together in the next lifetime."


End file.
